On rare occasions, I would get a male to comment on a picture that I look nice in a dress. But that was once in a while. And half of them were creeps who were trying to make me transfer illegal funds into my account.
But, all of a sudden, I'm that girl. Men openly "like" pictures of me and I receive facebook messages and chats in addition to the pokes from men I've known for years. It's disarming!
Ok, ok. So it's not so "all of a sudden."
It's about 60 pounds of weight loss.
I grapple with this pretty constantly. This attention often comes from people I've known for quite some time--years. People who have seen my weight fluctuate--always bigger than I would have liked-- and have never shown any interest.
Why should I pay attention to you now that I'm more fabulous than a little bit?!
But, on the other hand, aren't I shallow too?
Last weekend, I was at a first Saturdays event at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. It was a preverbal sea of Black Men. The cutie run of cutie runs (thank you, Demetria Lucas).
And I stood there. Heels high, jeans tight, shirt tastefully sheer and twist out big and poppin--annoyed--because Gus (that was his real name) decided that he wanted to steal some of my time.
Gus, who was about 75 pounds bigger than I like 'em. And, for some reason, his clear interest in me and beautiful hazel eyes would not let me overlook his size.
So, while he was very nice, I politely lied and told him my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate me giving him my phone number.
About a half an hour later, I spoke the digits of my cell number to tall, dark and built Chinye with the Yankee cap on. (Excuse my still-weak knees. Something about a man from New York, with harsh Brooklyn/West Indian accent, in a Yankess cap, Lord.)
I felt so guilty afterwards. I knew what it was to be dismissed. And, though I didn't overtly say that was the reason, the former big girl in me knew he was thinking that his weight was the reason. And he would be right.
But it didn't change the fact that I don't, and never was, attracted to bigger guys. I'm allowed my preference.
And I guess the guys that are now attracted to my smaller frame are allowed to have their preferences as well. And if I now fit their preference, they're within their right to try to holler.
And I'm allowed to pretend to have a boyfriend if I'm not interested. Even if it's because of something as shallow as their weight.
But, on the other hand, aren't I shallow too?
Last weekend, I was at a first Saturdays event at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. It was a preverbal sea of Black Men. The cutie run of cutie runs (thank you, Demetria Lucas).
And I stood there. Heels high, jeans tight, shirt tastefully sheer and twist out big and poppin--annoyed--because Gus (that was his real name) decided that he wanted to steal some of my time.
Gus, who was about 75 pounds bigger than I like 'em. And, for some reason, his clear interest in me and beautiful hazel eyes would not let me overlook his size.
So, while he was very nice, I politely lied and told him my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate me giving him my phone number.
About a half an hour later, I spoke the digits of my cell number to tall, dark and built Chinye with the Yankee cap on. (Excuse my still-weak knees. Something about a man from New York, with harsh Brooklyn/West Indian accent, in a Yankess cap, Lord.)
I felt so guilty afterwards. I knew what it was to be dismissed. And, though I didn't overtly say that was the reason, the former big girl in me knew he was thinking that his weight was the reason. And he would be right.
But it didn't change the fact that I don't, and never was, attracted to bigger guys. I'm allowed my preference.
And I guess the guys that are now attracted to my smaller frame are allowed to have their preferences as well. And if I now fit their preference, they're within their right to try to holler.
And I'm allowed to pretend to have a boyfriend if I'm not interested. Even if it's because of something as shallow as their weight.
Thoughts?
2 comments:
You are definitely welcome to your preferences my dear! And those men in your life are welcome to theirs, since attraction sets the stage for all other processes of interaction. Yet and still for those who know you personally, I feel that if we vibe on a friend level and the only reason you dont want me is my weight, then u can keep it all the way movinbg because there is no guarantee that I will remain this way. But my personality remains the same. Strangers are exempt from this because they dont know you and the only thing they have to go off of is the way you look. Also my gripe (which is bigger than the friend thing) is with those people who do things in the dark, but never in the light. If thats not ur flavor cool, but dont pretend it is when its just us, but then dont tell anyone about us like I am leprocy or something. But do I think you should feel guilty, NO. Do I think its shallow? Yes. (I am judging you)....but...arent we all? The Big girl inside you will always be there to remind you to not get beside yourself and think u are better, cuz you are always one stressful situation away...
So hold her close and listen to her warnings, she will keep you honest if nothing else!
Steph I love your blog ;o) Yes you are entitled to having a preference, we all do. I think the key is to have your own standards without being rude about it, and you definitely weren't rude or wrong for telling a little white lie.
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